I didn’t take a shower but just washed up this morning because I needed to let the caulk dry.

Somebody almost started a fire at the side of the church. I didn’t actually think the church caught fire—it just didn’t feel real. Since it was the first time something like that happened, it threw me off. I didn’t have enough time to rest or do the things I usually do before the service. Come to think of it, was it all because I went to bed late last night? Probably. The projector screen didn’t come down, so I just used the wall instead. It was already hot and humid in the morning. Things didn’t go smoothly, so I couldn’t stay focused.

I kept thinking about the messages Yousun sent yesterday and tried to guess how she’s been feeling. Whether she feels good or bad, I just felt bad. Her messages were short and simple, but they still bothered me. I’ve been thinking about what that really means for me.

In the email I sent to keep Marc updated about what happened today, I added a note asking if there might be any small graphic design or media-related work I could help with—hoping I might earn a little extra income using my own skills, rather than just moving my body and selling my time. I felt a bit embarrassed to ask, but who knows?

On my way home, I saw a demonstration by Iranian people in front of the U.S. consulate—likely because of the recent U.S. attack on Iran.

These days, I tend to spend some time checking information about the finance industry—things like AI and cryptocurrency—since KakaoBank’s stock price has gone up. But I shouldn’t let it distract me too much because it’ll probably take more time to meet my expectations. I believe KakaoBank will play a big role in the future of finance, especially as AI and decentralized currencies reshape the system.

I’m glad I finalized building my online portfolio last week. I’ve also organized my thoughts and decided not to rush into getting a book design job. Even if I push harder, things won’t change overnight. Life moves as it’s supposed to.

250621-1

A Trial, a Movie, a Message

I built another website for online journaling or blogging. I’m not sure it’s exactly what I want, but I think I shouldn’t keep spending my time and energy on building it—I should focus on filling it with content, with writing.

I packed two sandwiches, one for lunch and another for dinner. I worked from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m., as I typically do on Saturdays, but I had plans to watch a movie titled Experiment in Terror at TIFF Lightbox. Before that, I had a trial online therapy session.

I didn’t like the therapist. She didn’t seem very professional and didn’t respond genuinely to what I said. I don’t want to work with her. I did some research on therapists online, but I doubted I’d find one that feels right—not necessarily because they’re bad, but because I’m picky. When I looked through their profiles, especially the vibes from their pictures, I caught myself thinking: he looks too stubborn, she looks too old-fashioned, she looks too young, he looks too superficial... and so on.

While waiting for the movie, I got a message from Yousun saying that the divorce paperwork was officially finalized on June 9, and asking me to cancel the Mubi subscription—she’d noticed charges on her chequing account over the past few months. During the movie, I kept debating whether I should call her, maybe just to ask how she was doing. In the end, I replied: “Okay. That was finalized. I cancelled the subscription and asked for a refund.” She briefly responded: “Thank you for cancelling it. I had no idea it was possible to ask for a refund. I see.”

250620-1

Portfolio, Film, AC, Therapy

Finalized building my online portfolio. I subscribed to Cargo.Site so I could connect my domain and make it public.

Watched the film Sealed Soil at TIFF Lightbox, an Iranian story about a young woman pressured to get married. I could feel the lead character’s frustration in her restrained life. I didn’t eat anything after 6:30 p.m., even though I wanted to after the movie.

I’m glad I didn’t remove the AC. I had a feeling I’d still need it, even with the new cooling system being installed. In Toronto, I always feel safer with backups. I didn’t expect the fee for opting into the cooling system to be that high. It’s charged year-round, not just during the summer, which I don’t quite understand. I decided not to opt in and will keep using my AC.

I searched for Korean-speaking therapists and signed up for a free session. I received a reply and scheduled a video call for tomorrow at 4 p.m. The benefits from the church start on July 1, including up to $1,500 in therapy coverage. I’m planning to go twice a month for the rest of this year, and once a month starting next year. I’ve already imagined the first session in my head, including introducing myself and talking about life after the divorce.

250619-1

Being Led, Not Leading

I cleaned the bathtub and the wall next to it so I can caulk the tub soon. I did what I usually do—my routines: working on my online portfolio and reading “Nineteen Eighty-Four”—but today felt a bit different. I tried not to do those things as if I were being chased.

I studied StableCoin, browsed some social groups on Meetup, scheduled a few to attend, and took a walk after a nap following lunch. I want to live life at my own pace.

I shouldn’t take plans too seriously. Looking back, things have always moved forward regardless of my plans. Instead, I want to focus on direction. My current direction is to maintain my daily routines, continue designing books, and be present in some gatherings. I believe this direction will eventually lead me where I’m meant to go.

250604-2

What If I’m Wrong

I met Tom. I arrived two hours early and spent the time working on my online portfolio until he came. It turns out he didn’t receive the emails I had sent. I remember sending three of them. I thought it was strange that he never responded, and now I understand why.

I feel bad that my English speaking skills aren’t fluent enough to clearly express what I wanted to say during our conversation. I’m not even sure how much of my points he understood—or how much I understood of what he said.

I wanted to tell him that I’m not fully sure if I’ve been making the right decisions in pursuing a career in graphic design, especially my choice to focus solely on book design. During the conversation, I found myself saying, almost unexpectedly, that I don’t like doing graphic design—only book design. I had felt that way for a while, but saying it aloud surprised me. Still, I think it’s true—though I’m not fully sure.

I believe graphic design is about solving clients’ problems in the way they want. I don’t want to work for people who are superficial. But Tom made a good point: book design and cover design can’t avoid being sales-driven. After all, the books need to sell. I believe selling books and selling coffee are different—but how? Not all readers are thoughtful or refined. Publishers can’t survive by focusing only on serious or classy readers.

I have to work for others if I want to earn a living. If I insist on only doing what I love, then why bother working as a book designer at all? Is the situation for book designers really any better than it is for graphic designers in general?

I said I like interpreting the content of a book into something visual and graphic. Tom replied that graphic design is about interpretation, which means it’s not limited to book design. But I don’t want to interpret just anything—I want it to be something that feels worth interpreting.

Tom told me he often provides five, even ten drafts for a client, and that he enjoys trying out different approaches and ideas. That’s different from my process—I usually choose one promising idea and keep refining it until I feel it’s done. I wonder if I’ll be able to adopt his approach.

When I think about working as a graphic designer, I feel frustrated. How do I even get a job in this field? The general process is to build a portfolio and try to get hired. Whether or not you succeed, you keep developing your portfolio until you land something—or the next thing. It’s just a repetition of improving your portfolio and job hunting. If you get a position in a design studio, you don’t need to keep chasing jobs; the company finds them and assigns them to you.

But whenever I check job postings, I feel discouraged. The qualifications always seem too high. Most recruiters want experienced designers. I also don’t want to work for companies that don’t understand what design is. They’re not elegant at all. They just want to sell to as many people as possible and make more money. People are shallow—so why would companies be any different?

250604-1

Jealous

When I see people in the media—well, YouTube really, who watches TV anymore?—people who succeed and get recognition, especially young commercial artists, I feel sulky and depressed. I'm like, "What's the difference between them and me? Why am I the one still struggling with life and with myself?"

Of course, they're talented, they've worked hard, and they're lucky too. And sure, I've had experiences they probably haven't. But still, I'm jealous of their success and fame.

250603-1

A Solitary Person

Being alone still feels solitary—and sometimes even scary. I can't show or prove my existence to anyone.

The air conditioner and heater installation team came to my apartment today. The system has been under installation since last December, and they came to install the control panel, which is probably the final step.

The guy from the team who came to my unit was quite
outgoing--not overly so, but just enough. He seemed cool and nice. And handsome. But I still didn't feel comfortable around him--not because of anything he did, but because of myself, always thinking about what people might think of me.

My solitude will never fully disappear.

250602-1

Applied Without Thinking, Now I’m Thinking Too Much

I saw a post in Casmo yesterday looking for a graphic designer to make a poster for a café. I wasn’t interested at the time, but while taking a walk this morning, I suddenly felt like applying. I sent my portfolio, including a poster I made back in Korea and a few I designed last month for my general graphic design portfolio. The whole application took only about 20 minutes, including gathering the files and sending the email.

I’m not very serious about it, but I figured it was worth the short amount of time it took. I’m unlikely to get the job, but I started to feel a bit anxious about the possibility that I do. Like—how much should I charge? Should I just provide the file, or also print the poster for them? If so, which print shop should I use?

Now I’m even wondering whether applying was the right move, since it’s made me start worrying about all of this.

250601-2

Yangnyeom Chicken and the Divorce Process

After getting home from work, I fried chicken drumsticks with bread crumbs in my Ninja air fryer and made Korean yangnyeom sauce. It took me about an hour to cook, but only ten minutes to eat. I had two pieces and saved the other two for tomorrow, along with half the sauce, which I put in the fridge.

I imagined sending my mom a photo of the yangnyeom chicken to show off that I've been doing well, even though I'm alone, and pictured her being surprised and telling my father about it.

I checked my marriage certificate on the Korean government's online system to see if the divorce process was complete. It wasn't. It looks like there's still a step left: I need to visit the consulate to confirm the final divorce document. Actually, there's one more step after that—our divorce has to be reported to the government, which I assume Yousun will handle.

250601-1

A Photography Project—Only Happening in My Head

While making coffee this morning to bring to the church where I work, an idea came to mind: photographing groups and regular events at the church—like the choir, the public singing practice program, the Out of the Cold charity team, the service, the book sale, and so on.

I imagined talking to Will, the minister, and suggesting the idea—imagining him getting excited about it.

I saw myself taking on the project and spending time just being present with people at these gatherings, doing nothing, saying nothing, simply being there long enough for them to forget I was there. Then, gradually, I would begin photographing them. I saw myself standing in the nave or the chancel while Will led the service, taking photos of him and the event up close, even while feeling the congregation’s eyes on me. I wondered whether I could still fulfill my duties as a custodian while working on the project. Should I pause my custodial work during that time? Should I ask other caretakers to cover for me? How much should I charge for this project? Should the payment be handled separately, like a contract, or should it be included in my regular staff wage? It also occurred to me that photographing the caretakers might be meaningful—after all, they should be some of the main characters in the story.

My thoughts kept running until I forgot what I was doing. I felt excited—and nervous.

What would people at church think if they realized I’m not just a caretaker, but a fairly professional photographer? Would they start seeing me as more intellectual, more refined? Would some be annoyed because I no longer fit the role they assumed I had—someone to overlook, or someone they can pretend to be polite to and respectful of just to make themselves feel classy?

Now I’m writing this after the service has ended, and I’ve just realized that it was all in my head. It will likely never happen—either because Will or others wouldn’t be on board, or because I’m not brave enough to suggest it.